Here are ten strategies you can use to totally succeed in your pursuit of women. Hurry up, and pick one at random…not the woman, a strategy, you silly goose! What else are we doing with our lives besides waiting for you to come along? I’m a woman, so I’m an expert on women! As it turns out, we’re all the same and have no individuality outside of hair color and boob size. This list is not at all creepy, unnerving, rude, inappropriate, insulting, or downright scary!
Strategy The First: Pull your car up to a bus stop where she’s waiting, roll down the window, and insist she come talk to you. If she says no, circle the block and keep trying. If she eventually disappears, it’s probably that she got on a bus and not that she called a friend to pick her up because she was afraid.
Strategy The Second: If you’re on foot near the bus stop girl, ask her to leave with you. Insist! An elderly lady might tell you to back off and then block you until the bus stop girl gets on a bus. Things just be like that sometimes!
Strategy The Third: Comment on a coworker’s pretty eyes in the middle of a one-on-one meeting with that coworker. Especially if she’s a subordinate employee, that’s extra fine for you to do.
Strategy The Fourth: Buy expensive hockey game tickets for a date you haven’t asked her to go on yet, and then blame her for your wasted money when she says no. That bitch!
Strategy The Fifth: Hit on her in a grocery checkout, while you’re working your cashier job. Tell her she looks like Kaley Cuoco even if she doesn’t, and invite her to come see your house after work. She’s only walking away from you because there was another customer waiting. She’ll be back!
Strategy The Sixth: If she mentions a lack of shared beliefs when she turns you down, write an extensive Google Doc detailing your every thought about religion and why she’s wrong and you’re perfect for each other, email it to her, and leave her aggressive voicemails until she confirms she read it. Explain her own beliefs to her, and things will turn around from there!
Strategy The Seventh: This one’s for you Lyft driving Don Juans out there. Ask your passenger if she’s married, and apologize profusely for not making more eye contact with her like you want to because you have to keep your eyes on the road. Make sure she knows you appreciate how nice you think she looks!
Strategy The Eighth: On Halloween, let that girl dressed as Lara Croft working behind the cash register that you think she really has the right body for it. Hover around the store for awhile afterward, and follow her through the mall on her break. Compliments are what women crave!
Strategy The Ninth: Go up to a busy woman in a shopping center, and ask her if she’ll have lunch with you right now. Double check she means no when she says no. What she might mean when she says no is please ask her three more times.
Strategy The Tenth But Certainly Not The Last: Run up to a girl during your first few days of college, and demand to know what kind of underwear she’s wearing and if it’s leopard print. Laugh in her face and leave!
There you have it, gentlemen! Take it away! And by take it away, I must mean our right to feel safe at bus stops, at work, at college, buying groceries, online, in Lyfts, on the street, and everywhere else!