Fact: Exercise Balls Are Stupid

A few years ago, I bought a bright blue exercise ball. Don’t look at me like that – I don’t know why I did. We didn’t even have a place to put it, since we lived in a studio apartment. Just log this impulse buy under “Anna’s Misadventures in Fitness” or “I Don’t Remember Why I Bought This But The Amazon Box Is Here Now.” I thought exercise balls were stupid before I bought one, and I felt very skeptical upon its arrival. I wanted to give it a chance. Maybe this would be a fun and enlightening exercise experience, and I would rave about exercise balls to my friends. “You need this in your life,” I’d say. “It’s a game-changer!” Then we’d all bounce around on them together, happy with our new bouncy lives. It did not go down this way.

My first mistake might have been that I tried it without W at home, because he would have helped me, I’m sure. He also would have been ten times better at it himself on his first try. This is someone who has been spotted doing push-ups on stairs before the sun has come up. I’m someone who has been spotted eating sugar cookies out of the trash. Let’s be real though, which is crazier. Push-ups! For fun! Like a CRAZY PERSON.

Fifteen hour rule!

Back to my exercise ball. Arguably, my second mistake was made by being on Amazon forty-eight hours earlier, but it was too late to turn back now. I tried to follow the instructions and carefully lay on the exercise ball and tried to balance my arms and legs. I wobbled enough that things took a horrible turn, and the ball began to roll across the room. I am not exaggerating when I say that I rolled right along with it.

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Dramatic reenactment.

You may think this sounds impossible, but it’s not. I know! I was there! Ball and I rolled until we hit the couch with surprising force, and I actually managed to skin my leg and arm on the rough, scratchy couch material to the point of bleeding. It’s as embarrassing as you’re picturing. I don’t know if I have ever been quite so deeply humbled. One of my cats rushed to my side. You might say, aww, your cat loves you and felt concerned! If you know her personality, you know that she was actually taking advantage of my open wounds and doing her best to infect me with something. The joke is on you, cat! I roll, I die, I roll again!

Like all humans, my preconceived notions are not always correct. This one, however, was spot on. After I owned an exercise ball, I did not feel differently about them. They are stupid.

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